Till the last tear drops

Posted: January 19, 2011 in my tears and joy

I keep on staring at the sky and feel the emptiness out of my self. I can’t paint that out of my mind that I was in love with someone that takes only a day to recover. But maybe I am not in love at that time. Maybe I care for her and I almost caught in the line of love.

I started liking her as if she cares for me. I don’t know how to explain this kind of feelings that I had. I don’t know. I feel like I’m jealous if boys will be at her side. Am I too possessive or obsessive? But for me not to feel the extreme feelings of being in love I need to let her go first.

When tomorrow breaks the odds I am at the place where I always saw her. I can’t refrain to stare at her with the guys and I know that my feelings wasn’t normal anymore. At first I don’t understand this kind of emotions that I had. Maybe it is sort of my imagination or a figment of being jealous to her.

It started in the first day, that I’m trying to disregard her. That I never talk to her nor glance when she came around. The moment when she tried to grimace at me I ignore her and feel that I was being unsighted and I tried to flight the reality that I am in love with her. I mean really I am in love with her. I can’t envisage that it was the first time that I admit to myself that I fall in love with her.

I never got any place to hide this feeling to her. I can’t imagine that she caught my heart in an instant time. I can’t think of any reason why this joke affect me more and attach to her so much. I can’t believe that it was not a nice idea to have this kind of feelings. I was like catch in the sarcophagus and was in the labyrinth of confusion.

On the second day, I tried to be silent and was noticed by her that I am not in the sense to talk to her. I don’t want to talk to her anymore. I can’t wait that she will be inhume in the oblivion and was being forgotten at the same time. The more I ignore her the more I fall. I don’t want to have any commitment first. I remember her talking about that the month before I ignore her. It was the month that I walk under the mournful rain.

I remember that moment when I was so lonely because someone left me and she was there trying to cheer me up. I can’t imagine that she encourage me to have another life. But for me it was such a fool game. I know that in a relationship there would be something to sacrifice and something that you cannot have it all even if you do everything.

On the third day, I was a bit lonely at that time. It seems that I cannot make this things up. I know my self I have a steel heart that was hard to steal. She confronted me and was asking the reason that I am leaving the scenario. It was a bit odd and I can’t imagine that she has the power to ask that in front of me. I think this is such a stupid way if I will answer her question. I may sound like the most stupid person at that time. I implant to my mind that this is just a dream that never exist in my life. I want her to be vanish out of my sight and let her go in the sands of time.

This story is crap already. We go outside and she is trying to know what would be the certain reason. I already embrace the pain out of it and ended of nothing. I know that it will set me free if I will let her out of my mind. So in the midst of conversation she is always asking me for the reason but I can’t answer it typically. I don’t want to start the story with ending but I want to.

I never feel doubt to tell in front of her that I really care for her and love her. I want to have her for the rest of my life. I want to care for her as if she cares for me. When I tried to look at her there were tears coming down in her face. It was the night that I made her cry.

I know that you are happy right now of what you had. It seems that I had suffer dozens of pains in you but I tried to disregard it. I ignore you because I don’t want that this feelings may increase. I tried to hate you so that I have the reason to ignore you. Please don’t ask me more. Ignore me too. We loose our friendships last year and its really hard to bring it back from the ground. It is like eating my words back. Forget about our friendships before. I don’t like to have a conversation with you because I started to hate you and began to entomb you under the oblivion.


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